


Building Bridges

by what_a_gust



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-30
Updated: 2019-03-28
Packaged: 2019-07-04 10:12:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,722
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15839139
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/what_a_gust/pseuds/what_a_gust
Summary: Christen finds herself forced to do a presentation with Tobin in their freshman writing seminar but ends up with much more than she bargained for.





	1. First Impressions

**Author's Note:**

> Another college au, and it's pretty slow burn but I'd like to think it's worth it. If there's anything you'd like to see, comment here or send me an ask at what-a-gust.tumblr.com.

Tobin couldn’t remember the last time she put effort into anything. Everything she did came easily to her. And if it didn’t, she gave up, because there were plenty of other things to be good at. So when she got into her top choice school, she wasn’t really surprised. Her parents had helped her move her stuff earlier in the week and she had settled in rather quickly. She and her roommate, Megan, had gotten in the routine of waking up just before their orientation activities began and were usually the last to arrive at check-in.  


However, today was the first day of school. At Columbia. The university she had envisioned going to since her father first took her to visit his alma mater when she was in elementary school. So, even though she would never admit it to anyone, her first-day-of-school nerves woke her up two hours before her alarm.  


Tobin decided she might as well make the most of her time and go for a run before breakfast. Moving around her room quietly to avoid waking Megan, she thought back on the past week. She knew that there would be so many more things to do with her free time than there were at her high school. Especially without the pressure of her parents breathing down her neck. But she found, much to her chagrin, that she was overwhelmed.

 

Christen, on the other hand, was not at all surprised and more than happy to admit that she was completely and totally in over her head. She had always been fascinated by people and when she got into the best school in America’s biggest city, she knew she had no choice but to go. As much as she had wanted them to, her parents hadn’t been able to take the time off work to fly across the country with her and she had had to navigate moving in on her own. Luckily, her roommate Julie’s mom had taken Chris under her wing and had brought her along to Target so that she and Julie could pick out the decorations for their room together, and Christen could get the rest of the things on the recommended packing list that she hadn’t been able to fit in her suitcases.

Ever anxious, Christen set her alarm for the first day of school well ahead of when she actually needed to get up. She and Julie were going to get breakfast at the café near Chris’s first class so that she wouldn’t have to walk alone. She was really grateful for Julie, who had already familiarized herself with Christen’s kind-of ridiculous habits and had decided to love her anyway.  


She tapped Julie on the arm gently to wake her up and then headed into the bathroom where she bumped into Sydney, who along with Ali, shared their suite.

“What are you doing up already, Press?”

“Julie and I are going to get breakfast near my first class. You’re more than welcome to come if you’d like.”

“Nah, it’s all good. I’m gonna need the next two hours to get ready. I’m pretty sure that really hot kid from our orientation group is in my first class. I couldn’t really hear what he was saying because I was distracted by his face. But I gotta look my best just in case.”

“Ok,” Christen laughed as she squeezed her toothpaste onto her toothbrush.

“You got your eye on anyone, Pressy?” Syd asked, poking Christen with her elbow.

“I hardly have time to think about all of the stuff I have to do, let alone notice anyone else,” Chris mumbled through the foam her toothpaste had formed in her mouth.

“One of these days I’m gonna get you to loosen up, if it’s the last thing I do.”

“Don’t hold your breath,” Chris said as she rinsed her mouth, “my friends in high school all said the same thing and here I am, as uptight as ever.”

“At least you’re self-aware.”

“Guess so,” Christen chuckled.

 

A while later, Tobin looked down at her watch and realized that if she wanted to get back to her room with time to shower before her class, she’d need to pick up her pace. As she ran back through campus she passed by two girls sitting outside a café, one blonde and talking animatedly about something while the other, whose dark, curly hair was pulled back from her face, was looking down at the table which was shaking a bit as she bounced her leg. When the dark haired girl looked up in her direction, Tobin found herself dumbstruck by her bright green eyes. Just as she was about to lift her hand and wave, she felt her toe hit something hard and found herself splayed out on the ground. She heard chairs push back from the table and wanted to avoid the awkward interaction so she got up as quickly as she could and ran in the opposite direction, even though she knew it would make it take longer to get home.

 

With only fifteen minutes until class was supposed to start, Christen hugged Julie goodbye and went in search of a seat. Her writing seminar was capped at 16 people and wanted to make sure she sat close enough to the professor to show that she was paying attention, but not so close that she’d be called on if no one else wanted to answer. Satisfied, she took out her planner and checked off all the things she had already accomplished and glanced over the rest of her day to make sure she wasn’t missing anything.

The rest of the class shuffled in and soon enough, Dr. Simon was having them go around in a circle to introduce themselves.

“I’m sure this seems silly but you are all first year students and it’s important to make friends so please tell us your name, major, hometown, and the most fun thing you did this summer.”

As a kid named Zach was talking about how he had gone wakeboarding in Lake Tahoe the week before move-in, the door swung open behind him. A girl with wet hair that was dripping on her t-shirt from underneath a backwards cap slid her backpack off her shoulder and plopped down in the only available seat, right next to Chris.

When it got to be her turn, the girl next to Christen said, “Hi, sorry I’m late, I’m Tobin, I’m studying civil engineering and architecture, I’m from Basking Ridge, New Jersey, and I played a lot of pick-up soccer this summer. Is that what we were supposed to say?”

“That’s fine Tobin, thank you for joining us. I’ll give you a pass for the first day but in the future, please don’t bring a puddle with you to class unless it’s raining.”

“You got it boss,” Tobin replied as she shot finger guns at the professor, causing Christen to roll her eyes.

When Christen looking up to start speaking, her voice caught in her throat as she realized why the girl next to her looked familiar and swallowed a laugh. “Umm, I’m Christen, I’m studying  
philosophy and minoring in psych, I’m from Palos Verdes, California, and the coolest part of my summer was hanging out with my dogs.”

Christen looked back down at the notebook in front of her where she had been writing down her classmates’ names and decided she would try to make Syd proud. As quietly as she could, she neatly tore off the bottom corner of the page and wrote, _are you the girl who tripped outside Grad Cafe this morning?_ and slid the note across the table to Tobin.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Tobin read the note and lower her head in shame.

Christen looked down when she felt the soft edge of the paper against her hand. _Fuck, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice. I’m not usually that lame._

“Alright, now that we have introductions out of the way, I’d like you to pair up and then I’ll pass around the signup sheet so that you all can choose which week you’d like to lead class discussion.”

Christen looked to her left and noticed that the two girls sitting there had already decided to be partners when she felt a foot prodding her shin.

“Since I’ve already embarrassed myself in front of you, I feel like you owe it to me to be my partner,” Tobin said to Christen

“But you were late on the first day of class. There’s no way I can trust you to get our work done on time if you can’t even make it to class on the first day” Chris responded much to Tobin’s surprise.

“Chill dude, it’s just a writing seminar. It’s not like it matters.”

“Chill dude, what are you? A twelve-year-old boy? This is college. It’s serious and I want to get a good grade.”

“Okay, okay, if I promise to like try for you, will you be my partner? It’s not like you have a choice since everyone else already picked theirs anyway.”

“Fine. But if you’re late one more time I’m going to tell Dr. Simon.”

“Whatever,” Tobin grumbled as the signup sheet was passed to them. “When do you wanna present?”

“Week 4,” Christen answered before Tobin finished asking the question.

“Sure. You’re so weird. It’s like you’d already decided that before class started.”

“Well, I did. I read the syllabus last night. And thought about it. Like any person who cares about their grades. Because that way there are two groups before us so we know what to expect but we won’t have to work on this during midterms or finals and we’re going early so hopefully that’ll get us on Dr. Simon’s good side and if we, or you, do a bad job, we’ll have time to try  
and make it up.”

“What makes you think I’m gonna do a bad job?”

“Nothing you’ve done so far in my presence has suggested otherwise. I mean, you finger gunned at our professor. I don’t have high hopes.”

“Well, sorry to burst your bubble princess, but I got in here so I think I can handle this class just fine. I’ll even step foot in the library for you if that’ll make you feel better. But on one condition,” Tobin nudges Christen’s foot again with her own to get her to look up. “Once we ace this project you have to agree to do the next project my way.”

“Not a chance in hell, Heath.”

“So you don’t want me to try on this project?” Tobin suggests with a smirk spreading across her face.

“Ugh, whatever, fine. Just tell me when you’re free to meet at the library this week so we can start.”

Tobin reached across Christen to grab her phone. “What’s your password?”

“Give it back!”

“I just want to put my number in so you can text me about the library.”

“Tobin, I really need to go. I have another class. Please.” Christen looked at her with such an intense pleading in her eyes that Tobin found herself giving in, almost apologetic.

“Here. Sorry. We can figure it out before class on Wednesday.”

“Ya, thanks,” Christen nodded as she gathered her stuff to head out.

 

Back at her dorm that evening, Chris knocked on Syd and Ali’s door, bouncing up and down on her toes with excitement.

The door swung open forcefully, “What?!” Syd barked and Chris was taken aback when Syd started to laugh. “Gotcha!”

Clutching her chest, Christen replied, “And to think I came over here to tell you something. Never mind I guess.” And she spun on her heel to head back to her room.

“No wait, Press, please, I’m sorry what were you gonna say?”

Christen decided to take pity on Syd, who was always hungry for the latest gossip, and told her about meeting Tobin.

“So you like her,” Syd said as Christen finished her story.

“I just told you she is the most frustrating person I’ve ever met and what you get from that story is that I like her? What’s wrong with you?”

“Nothing, what’s wrong with you is that you’re so dense that you can’t even tell. I can’t believe I told you you were self-aware this morning. So much can change in one day!”


	2. An Exchange of Ideas

Wednesday morning, Christen opens the door to the classroom expecting it to be empty. Instead, she finds Tobin sitting at the table drinking coffee with her feet up on the chair that’s supposed to be Christen’s.

Tobin looks up to see her and smirks. “I’ve been here for almost an hour because I wanted to make sure I beat you here.”

“Oh my god, you are so immature.”

“Nah, just like being right. I told you I’d do well at this class. I even actually did the reading.”

“I bet $5 you did it this morning and just finished.”

“So? It still counts.”

“Fine. But I’m going to count it against you if you don’t read the stuff we have to present on at least a week before our presentation.”

“Whatever you say, babe,” Tobin responds casually.

Christen bristles in response, “Don’t call me that.”

Tobin raises her hands in defense, “Okay, okay, you’re so picky, jeez!”

“Can you just leave me alone until class starts?” Christen says as she pulls out her planner and starts to look over the rest of her day.

The rest of the class starts to trickle in and the next time Christen looks up from her planner it’s because she hears Dr. Simon greet them. As soon as she lifts her head to turn toward the professor she feels something poke at her arm. When she glances down, she sees Tobin pulling her hand away holding a pencil and sends her a glare.

_You said I had to leave you alone until class started. And class started, so I just wanted you to know I listened ps here’s my number so you can text me about the library ;)_  Christen reads on the note that Tobin had slipped her. She stuffs the piece of paper in her pocket and picks up her pen to begin taking notes on the presentation that is about to start, hoping that it will be easy to tell what Dr. Simon is looking for.

 

The next two weeks come and go with little fanfare. Christen and Tobin find themselves in a routine. Tobin spends the entirety of their writing seminar trying to get under Christen’s skin and Christen does her best not to let it get to her. When they see each other outside of class they sometimes smile or wave but haven’t spoken much.

Christen makes a habit of doing yoga and going for runs along the river, and more often than not Julie tags along. One morning, on their way to the gym, they walk past a bunch of guys coming out of the weight room when they hear, “Hey, Chris!”

“Oh, hi Zach,” Christen replies, rather surprised that he remembered her name.

“See ya later!”

“Sure thing,” Christen replies as Julie grabs her wrist.

“Who was that? And why haven’t you mentioned him?? He’s so hot!” Julie grills Chris.

“He’s just a kid in my writing seminar, I don’t know, I didn’t think about it.”

“I know you don’t like men but that doesn’t mean it’s not your job as my roommate and best friend to let me know when there’s a good looking one around!”

“I guess that’s fair,” Christen laughs. “I promise I’ll do my best to notice guys for you. And next time we’re here and we see him I’ll introduce you.”

“You’re the best Press!” Julie exclaims as she pulls Christen into the yoga studio.

 

Tobin, on the other hand, found herself on a club soccer team that practiced twice a week and had games every Saturday morning. A couple of the other girls from her dorm, including her roommate, were on the team and she was glad to have them around so she had people to eat dinner with. Sometimes she’d notice Christen eating across the room with the same blonde girl that had been there when she tripped and the reminder of that embarrassing moment outweighed her commitment to getting Chris riled up.

The Saturday evening a week and a half before their presentation, after a particularly competitive practice against a squad of boys, the whole group trudged into the dinning hall and plopped down at a table. As soon as Tobin had rid herself of her soccer bag, she made her way over to the food and piled on as much as her plate could hold. When she got back to her table she noticed that she had a text from an unknown number _You know, it’s rude to walk right by someone you know and not say hello_ she read and picked her head up looking around to see who might have sent it. Just as she was about to give up and start eating, she saw Christen sitting with the blonde near the entrance. Christen sent Tobin a wink from across the room and, much to her disappointment, Tobin felt her face flush bright red. Trying to play it cool, she shrugged and turned her attention back to her food.

A few minutes later she gets another text _so you spend all of class trying to get my attention but when I finally give it to you, you ignore me…rude._

_im not ignoring you im trying to eat dinner im starved. i just played soccer for 2 hours so hop off my dick_ Tobin replied quickly.

_Ugh, you’re so gross. Meet me at the library tomorrow at 2. Don’t be late._

_Whatever you say, babe_ Tobin sends back, a smile spreading across her face as she sees the message say “delivered” knowing that it’ll piss Chris off. All she gets back is a series of three eye-roll emojis but it’s better than nothing and Tobin has a good feeling about tomorrow.

 

Just before 2, Christen leans back in her chair on the second floor of the library and closes that highlighter she was using to mark her copy of Mrs. Dalloway. When she and Tobin had picked their week to present, she hadn’t told Tobin that part of the reason she wanted to go that week was because Virginia Woolf was her favorite author and she had read the book in her honors English class the year before. Even though Christen knew she would work hard to get a good grade regardless of the book, she hoped that already being familiar with the literary analysis would help calm her nerves when it came time to present.

Expecting Tobin to be late, she leans forward against the table, puts her head down on her arms and closes her eyes, taking a few deep breaths, when she feels something warm against her arm. “I got you this,” she heard a familiar voice say as she looked up. “And look, I’m not even late, it’s 1:59!” Tobin says, her voice uncharacteristically excited.

“Wow. Good job,” Christen responds sarcastically but then glances down at the coffee and shakes her head. “Sorry, I’m in the habit of you being annoying. But seriously, thanks for the coffee and for being on time. You ready to get started?”

Tobin sits down next to her and pulls out her laptop, opening a new document and pulling up her pdf of the book. Christen is about to make a comment about her not having the book when she sees that, at least on the first page, it looks like Tobin took notes.

“So how do you wanna do this, boss?” Tobin asks.

“Boss. Much better than babe,” Christen teases before pulling out the assignment sheet. “I think we should come up with a list of like 10 major themes and then narrow that down to six so we can each be prepared to talk about three even though we’ll probably only have time for 2.”

“You think there are 10 major themes in this book? Are you sure we read the same one?” Tobin looks at Christen incredulously.

“Um, yes? You’ve heard of metaphors right? Not everything is as simple as it seems.”

“Whatever you say boss, I’m happy if you’re happy.”

“How can I be happy if you clearly didn’t even understand the book?” Christen bites down on her lip starting to get nervous.

“Chill, I’m sure if we just talk about it I’ll be able to fill in the blanks. I promise I really did read it.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Tobin answers flatly.

“Okay, then I’m going to be honest with you? I’ve kinda read this book a few times and may have maybe done a final project on it in high school…” Christen admits.

Tobin looks over at her with excitement “Dude! Then why are you even nervous? And why do you even care what I think? Clearly you know exactly how this is gonna go and what to say to teacher to make them like it. This is great, so much less work!”

“No, Tobin! It means more work, because what if everything I say just sounds like what high schoolers get taught and then Dr. Simon thinks we didn’t read because we relied on already having read it and then we get a bad grade?”

Tobin, starting to get exasperated, puts her hand on Christen’s knee, “Please tell me you’re joking. Our professor is not going to give you a bad grade because she thinks you’ve read the book before. Let’s just do what you said, come up with a list and go from there. You’re gonna be fine. Trust me.”

Christen isn’t really sure why, but for some reason she does. So picks up her pen and starts writing. She and Tobin go back and forth, each sharing their observations and before they know it, they have a rather comprehensive list and an outline for their presentation that Tobin promises she’ll type up in a google doc and share it with her as soon as she gets home. With that, Tobin gathers up her stuff and saunters out of the library, leaving Christen with a cold cup of coffee and a lot of feelings to sort through.

 

Christen gets back to the dorm a while later and decides to knock on Sydney’s door, hoping that her neighbor will give her some helpful advice and not just tease her until it’s time for bed.

“What’s up Pressy?” Syd asks when she opens the door.

“I think you were right, Syd.”

“Of course I am, but about what?” Sydney responds pulling Christen into her room.

When Christen looks up, she sees that she’s getting a death glare from Ali, who quickly breaks into a smile and says, “Why would you ever tell her that? Now she’s never gonna shut up?”

“Oh my god, you’re right Al, this was a mistake, I’ll just go before she turns into a monster,” Christen laughs and turns toward the door when she feels Sydney pull her back.

“Nope. I won’t let you leave until you tell me, so spill.”

“Ok, fine. I guess it’s good you’re both here because I need advice. Remember that girl I was telling you about Syd, the one who really pissed me off in class?”

“No way!” Syd practically shouts.

“What?” Ali asks, not understanding how such a vague question could make Sydney so excited.

“Pressy likes a girl! Pressy likes a girl!” Syd teases as Chris buries her face in her hands.

“Syd be serious! She said she needs advice. Let her live, c’mon,” Ali replies jumping down from her bed and moving to put her arm around Christen.

“Okay, fine! Press, how can we help?”

“Today, we met at the library to start working on our project and I assumed she was gonna be late but then she wasn’t and she brought me coffee and somehow she knew my order and it’s not like she ever asked me and then I thought she wasn’t gonna have anything to say about the book but she actually read it and even took notes and then I started to get anxious and she was really good at calming me down and it’s just a lot, y’know because usually she’s so annoying but today she was really sweet and I just don’t get it,” Christen spills and Syd can’t help but laugh.

“I could totally tell this was coming from the way you described her that first day. You’ve met your match babe, what do you want to do about it?”

“That reminds me, she keeps calling me babe because she knows it bothers me but today she called me boss instead and I kinda missed it. How messed up is that? We hardly know each other!”

“So, get to know her. You can hang out with her whenever you want this week, just pretend you want to work on the project. And after, if you still like her, I’m sure she’ll figure something out.”

“You mean I’ll figure something out?” Christen asks, confused.

“No, Press, you’re hopeless. I meant her. I’m sure she’ll figure it out. She clearly likes you too which is why she spends so much time trying to get your attention,” Syd points out as if it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“You think so?” Christen says, still unsure.

“I really do, now c’mon, it’s Netflix time!”

“No! It’s Sunday night, we need to go to bed! We have class tomorrow!”

“I, for one, cannot wait until this Tobin girl makes a move, because you seriously need someone to loosen you up,” Sydney smirks. “Just watch one episode with us! We’ll even watch a comedy so it’s only 20 minutes. Have you seen The Good Place yet?”

“No, but it’s on my list. I guess 20 minutes couldn’t hurt.”

“Great! Go get Julie while we pull it up!”

One episode turns into two, which turns to three but by 11:30 all four girls are yawning so Christen and Julie make their way back to their own room to call it a night. Christen falls asleep quickly, thinking of tomorrow, and mostly, how she’s kind of maybe looking forward to seeing Tobin in the morning.


	3. Waiting and Wondering

Christen spends the bulk of her afternoon at the library. She’s finished her water bottle three times in the past hour and a half in an attempt to stay alert. So, when she notices that it’s already 4pm, she decides that if she doesn’t get coffee now, it’ll get too late and she wants a productive evening.

She gathers up her stuff, puts in her ear buds, and walks out of the library lost in thought. She finds herself a few minutes later outside the café she usually goes to but then she remembers how good the coffee that Tobin brought her was (even though it had been cold by the time she drank it) and decides to try that place for herself. She finds it on her phone and starts the route, grateful when she sees that it’s only a 5-minute walk.

 

Tobin is sitting at her spot in her coffee shop, sketching the view across the street when dark, wild curls catch her eye. She’d recognize them anywhere and starts to outline the frame of the girl they’re attached to (though the girl outside the window is looking down at her feet and the girl in the sketch is looking up to wave). Much to Tobin’s surprise, Christen pushes the door to the coffee shop open gently and gets in line, pulling out her phone to fiddle with it while she waits.

Tobin is torn between staying seated to see if Chris notices her and going up to her. After a moment, Tobin decides to take a chance thinking that if Christen came to this coffee shop it must be because she liked the coffee Tobin brought her and was thinking of her.

Not wanting to give up getting under Christen’s skin just yet, she decides to tap Christen’s far shoulder to pretend she’s on her other side. So, when Christen looks up startled, she feels a bit guilty. 

“Hey, sorry, didn’t mean to scare you, just thought it’d be funny,” Tobin says nervously pushing her hair behind her ear.

Christen’s gaze softens as she catches Tobin’s eye, her voice still tight with surprise as she assures Tobin it’s alright.

“Let me get your coffee then, to make it up to you?”

“But you already bought my coffee last time, it’s really okay.”

“I want to, please?”

“Alright, if it means that much to you, I guess I can be accommodating,” Christen laughs gently as she feels the weight of Tobin’s surprising sincerity.

“My stuff’s over there by the window, go put your stuff down and I’ll bring the coffee over when it’s ready.”

“Okay,” Christen says as she makes her way out of line and over to where Tobin pointed.

 

“Tobin, is this me?” Christen asks, lightly running her finger over the sketch as Tobin reaches their chairs.

“Shit, I didn’t mean for you to see that!” Tobin responds as she grabs the sketch pad and reaches to stuff it in her bag. In the haste of it all she forgets to put down the coffee she’s holding and it starts to spill. “Fuck, that’s hot, shit, fuck,” she mumbles under her breath as she feels a calm hand stroke down her back.

“Tobin, really, it’s fine, give me the coffee.”

Tobin hands it to her and she feels Christen lean back down with some napkins to wipe up the spill.

“Seriously Tobin, you’re really talented.”

“Can we just forget about this whole embarrassing event and go back to remembering when I was smooth? Please?” Tobin asks, trying not to show her frustration at things not going her way.

“Sure, I’m gonna head back to the library. But thanks for the coffee and I’ll see you at the library tomorrow so we can finalize our presentation. Right?”

“No, stay.” Tobin puts her hand over Christen’s to stop her from getting up.

“Tobin. I have a lot of work to do.”

“So stay and do it here.”

“Fine, but if you’re distracting, I’m gonna leave.”

“I promise I’ll be good,” Tobin replies as a sly smile spreads across her face.

Christen pulls out her planner and makes a few notes before opening her laptop and getting to work. Every once in a while she feels Tobin’s foot brush against her ankle but she tells herself that it’s just Tobin being fidgety and to keep focusing on her work because it doesn’t mean anything.

When she finally allows herself to look up, the sun has started to set. It’s almost 7:30 and she’s starting to get hungry but she has one more reading she could do and she can’t bring herself to leave. She gets lost in the article, taking notes diligently as she goes, when she’s interrupted by a rather loud grumbling noise and looks up to see Tobin’s face blushed in embarrassment again.

“Did that noise just come from your stomach?” Christen asks in surprise.

“Yeah, I’m really hungry, I have been for like the past two hours,” Tobin admits.

“Then why didn’t you go buy a snack or something.”

“I was busy,” Tobin replies trying not to give herself away. “Plus, you need to eat too and I know a really good place near here so you should come have dinner with me,” she says trying to come off as casual as possible.

Christen weighs her options and when she notices that Tobin’s hands are fiddling nervously in her lap she decides to go for it. “Okay, let me finish this article and we can go.”

She finds her self reading the same line over and over again, not able to concentrate. Eventually, she gives up, and closes her laptop with a little more force than she meant to, causing Tobin to look up from her phone with concern.

“Let’s go, I’ll finish it later.”

“Oooo, Press, am I turning you into a slacker already? I like it,” Tobin jokes as she stands up from the table. “The restaurant is just like 5 blocks this way,” she points when they step out onto the sidewalk. 

They walk side-by-side and Christen is careful to keep her hands clasped together in front of her, restraining the itch she feels to swing her arm at her side in the hopes that it’ll bump against Tobin’s. Tobin walks with a confidence that Christen can’t help but feel jealous of, wondering what it’s like to move through the world without second-guessing your every step. _Maybe spending time with her will be good for me like Syd suggested_ Chris thinks as Tobin opens the door to a pizza place that looks really dark inside. 

“You go sit, I’ll bring our pizza over when it’s ready, do you want anything to drink?”

“You’re not paying again Tobin; I’ll just wait with you. It’s fine.”

“No. I asked you to come and if you weren’t here with me you would’ve used your meal plan so it’s only fair that I pay. If you want to pay, you can ask me to dinner. Just go sit, don’t make it weird.”

“Whatever,” Christen laughs, “I’ll be sitting over there.” She points to a booth toward the back, away from the families that fill the front of the restaurant near the windows.

“Sounds good, babe,” Tobin tries her luck but Christen has already turned away and Tobin isn’t sure she heard.

 

When Tobin walks over with the pizza, Christen’s mouth goes dry and she hears herself think _ugh I could kiss you_ and then she slaps her hand over her mouth, grateful that she didn’t just say that out loud and does her best to put it out of her mind. Tobin gives her kind of a weird look and she plays it off that the pizza just looked so good she couldn’t quite believe it. 

Tobin, who had been ravenous for a few hours, tears into her pizza like she hasn’t eaten in days, chewing with her mouth open because it’s so hot. Christen carefully cuts hers into little squares, using a fork and knife to avoid getting the grease all over her fingers.

“You can’t eat pizza like that, it’s like sacrilegious!”

“What?” Christen asks confused.

“This is New York. You can’t eat pizza here like that.”

“You’re being ridiculous, and I’m just trying to be neat. Calm down.”

“I’m totally calm. You’re just wrong. Here.” Tobin gets up and moves around the table, flopping down on the bench next to Christen. She picks the top half of Christen’s pizza up and folds it in half, holding it out to her. “Like this,” expecting Christen to take it from her hands so when Christen leans in to take a bite, Tobin almost drops the pizza in surprise. 

As Christen chews, she realizes her mistake and thinks _oh my god I’m such an idiot she must think I’m so weird please let me disappear._

Once she sees that Christen has swallowed, Tobin hands the pizza back to her, “see, doesn’t it taste better like that,” and winks.

Christen swallows hard again and chokes out, “Yeah, thanks,” without making eye contact.

Tobin goes back around to her side of the table and they eat in silence. A little while later, Christen checks her phone and sees that it’s after 8:30. “I really need to get home and finish some things up before bed. But thank you so much for dinner.” She gets up to leave.

“Hold on, I’ll walk you home.”

“I’m alright. I’m sure you have something better to do than hang out around the dorms on a Saturday night. But this was really good. Thanks again.”

Getting the hint, Tobin lets her go even though she’s disappointed. “Okay Chris, get home safe.”

 

When she gets home, Christen forces herself to finish her reading and then FaceTimes her mom and asks to talk to the dogs. “Hi babies!! You’re so cute and sweet. I miss you so much!” 

She feels better as her mom narrates their playful behavior and they chat about Christen’s classes and Julie and their friends. Christen bites her tongue every time she thinks of Tobin, not sure how to tell her mom what’s going on. 

“Are you alright, sweetie?” her mom asks.

“Yeah mom, I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.”

“Okay, make sure you’re eating and getting enough sleep.”

“Well I just got home from dinner and when we hang up, I’m going to bed so I don’t think you need to worry mom.”

“Of course I have to worry. It’s my job. But I love you and I trust you. You’ll tell me when you’re ready.”

“Thanks mom, love you too.”

“Goodnight, honey.”

“Bye mom, talk to you soon. Tell Daddy and Chan I love them.”

Christen hangs up and closes her eyes. She feels better after talking to her mom but her mind is still racing. She sits up and decides to make a list of the pros and cons of the situation but keeps getting hung up on how stupid she feels for taking a bite when Tobin was still holding the pizza. Grateful that Julie is out with Zach, who Christen had kept her word and introduced Julie to at their next trip to the gym, she takes the opportunity to pace back-and-forth around the room. She knows that letting her anxiety get the best of her won’t make things better but she can’t help it. 

Just as she’s starting to get dizzy from turning back and forth so quickly, her phone buzzes.

_Hey, hope you got home ok, realized we never picked a time for tomorrow, lmk_

Christen regrets looking right away, hoping that if she ignores the message for long enough, it’ll go away. When half an hour later, after she has showered, changed into her pajamas, brushed her teeth, scrolled through Instagram five times, and the text is still there, she finally decides to answer.

_Hi, I got home fine. Realized we probs don’t need to meet. Just put any notes you come up with on the slide deck and I’ll do the same._

She feels better as soon as she hits send and is about to put her phone down to go to sleep when it rings.

She picks up out of surprise. “Hello?”

“No Chris, we’re not doing this.”

“Tobin? Why are you calling me?”

“Because you’re being weird and I told you not to make it weird. We ate dinner. Now we have a presentation. If we don’t meet, you’re just gonna freak out on Monday about the fact that we didn’t practice and you’ll feel guilty which will make your anxiety worse and we’re not doing that. So. What time should I meet you at the library tomorrow?”

Christen sits there, her phone pressed against her ear, stunned. She tries to calm down and to take a deep breath but she can’t seem to get enough air to fill her lungs and she can feel the panic rising in her chest.

“Chris, breathe with me. In, out. In, out,” Tobin coaches her, taking exaggerated breaths herself.

Soon enough, the only sound Christen can hear is her breathing matched with Tobin’s and her worry starts to fade. 

“You okay, Chris?”

“Yeah,” she croaks out and Tobin laughs quietly.

“Alright champ, what time are we meeting tomorrow?”

Christen thinks for a minute, deciding it’s better to just be honest since Tobin already helped her through a panic attack and there’s no point in pretending she doesn’t have anxiety. “Can we go early so that I don’t have to deal with dreading it all day?”

“Ya, Chris, how’s 8?”

“8’s good.”

“Good, I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Night, Tobin.”

“G’night, babe,” Tobin says quickly, hanging up before she can hear Christen’s response


	4. Making Moves

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think many of y'all will be pleased with the developments of this chapter ;) Thank you so much for all of the positive feedback, I really enjoy writing this story and it's nice to know that you enjoy reading it. If you have any questions or suggestions lmk either in the comments or at cpress21.tumblr.com

Tobin wakes up and turns off her alarm as quickly as she can but can’t quite avoid the pillow Megan throws at her.

“Why the fuck are you getting up so early on a Sunday, Heath? It’s not even 7am.”

“I have a meeting for a group project. Go back to bed, asshole,” Tobin says as she throws the pillow back at her roommate.

She throws on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt and runs her fingers through her hair before grabbing her backpack and heading out the door. Knowing that she has almost an hour until she’s supposed to meet Christen, she decides to stop and get breakfast first. She makes herself an egg sandwich so she can eat it with one hand and pulls out her sketch book to fill in where she had left off the day before. 

Staring down at the drawing in front her a while later, she suddenly remembers she doesn’t have all day and looks down at her phone to check the time. Her heart is pounding in her chest in anticipation that it’s going to be after 8 and she’ll be late. When her screen lights up showing that it’s only 7:48 she laughs to herself and throws her plate in the bin before heading out with her sketch book in one hand and a to-go coffee for Christen in the other.

As she walks over to the library, Tobin reflects back on her first few weeks of school. She isn’t surprised that most of her classes are easy and she’s glad she’s made friends and has people to play soccer with. But she can’t quite get passed how much she feels herself care about Christen. What started off as an opportunity to mess with the most anal girl in her stupidest class has turned into her wanting to make that girl smile and has motivated her to work harder for that class than she has since her parents stopped checking her homework. She enters the library with a smile on her face, resolved to get through to Christen by the end of their meeting.

Tobin sees Christen at their usual table, head bent down over her planner, an expression of worry painted across her face. Tobin’s smile grows as she remembers their first meeting in the library and looks down at her phone to see that it’s 7:59.

“Look at the time Chris, on-time again with one minute to spare. That’s poetic justice if you ask me,” she jokes but Christen doesn’t even look up and just nods her head in response.

“I went through the slide deck before you got here and decided that you’ll go first with the overview of the plot then I’ll present on the symbolism. You can take characterization and then I’ll finish with allegory and allusions. Then we can take turns asking the questions we came up with to lead discussion and answer the questions that have to do with the other person’s slides so that Dr. Simon knows we both know all the info. If that’s good with you, I’m gonna get started on my other work.”

“Chris, I thought we were supposed to do this together. I’m fine with whatever you want but you should’a waited for me. I don’t want you doing more than your fair share of the work.”

“That’s not what you said the first time we met,” Christen bites back with an iciness in her tone that surprises Tobin.

“You know you’ll feel better if we do a run through to practice for tomorrow. I’ll even set a stopwatch so we know how long it takes,” Tobin replies trying to keep her cool as she opens her phone.

Christen’s shoulders soften a little but she still refuses to look up at Tobin. “I guess you’re right,” she mumbles, hoping that will be enough for Tobin to get started.

Deciding not to push her anymore, Tobin sets the slide deck to present and starts speaking, trying to make sure she goes slowly and enunciates to assure Christen that she really is prepared and isn’t winging it.

When she finishes, Christen picks up almost seamlessly and before they know it, they’ve come to the end of their presentation. Though she still hasn’t looked up and it’s starting to get on her nerves, Tobin can tell that Christen definitely feels better, at least about the looming presentation and decides to take matters into her own hands.

Tobin gets up from her seat and then, with a surprising amount of force, pulls Christen out of hers, startling her enough to finally get her to meet her eyes. Tobin quickly turns around and tugs Christen with her toward a corner of the stacks, not giving Christen a choice but to follow.

When she feels that they’re sufficiently hidden away, Tobin drops Christen’s wrist and asks quietly, “Will you look at me? Please?”

Christen barely lifts her head, looking at Tobin through her eyelashes.

“I’m not sure I understand what’s bothering you but I am sure that I want to understand and I want to know what I can do to make it better. I really like you Chris. I wasn’t expecting this. I just thought I was stuck doing a stupid presentation for a stupid class with a girl I’d never talk to again as soon as we were done. But it’s turned into so much more than that. I mean, I _really_ like you Chris,” Tobin tries to emphasize her point with as much sincerity as she can muster in the hopes that Christen will understand. 

Without breaking eye contact, she takes a deep breath and continues, “Just let me kiss you once. If you don’t like it, I promise I’ll move on and we can just be friends. But I think you’re only this nervous because you want it too. Please?”

Christen’s heart feels like it’s going to burst out of her chest. She feels her palms get clammy and she’s so overwhelmed that she steps back into the book shelves behind her. The sharp edge of the shelf hitting against her spine causes her to wince and she squeezes her eyes shut, worried that tears are coming. Instead, she feels Tobin’s hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, hey, just take a deep breath. No pressure. Just breathe.”

Christen breathes with her for a few moments until she realizes that this is the second panic attack Tobin has had to help her through in as many days and the thought causes heart to race again.

“I promise, we’re fine. No matter what you want. We’re good. Just keep breathing, you can stay here until you’re ready. I’m gonna go, give you some space.”

Christen thinks to herself that that’s probably a good idea, which is why she is just as surprised as Tobin when she reaches for her hand and whispers, “stay.”

Tobin doesn’t say anything. She just rubs her thumb gently over the back of Christen’s hand and waits for her to let go.

“Let’s go sit back down. C’mon.”

Christen follows her back to their table and sits down, taking out her water bottle. She drinks for a while, both because she’s thirsty and not sure what to say.

“You gonna be okay, champ?”

“Yeah,” Christen responds, her voice croaky.

“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow but I’m just a text away if you need me. For real. Let me know.”

“Thanks, Tobin,” Christen answers without making eye contact again. 

 

Christen stays at the library burying herself in work until she literally doesn’t have anything else it would be reasonable to work on. And it’s not even noon yet. She packs up her stuff and heads back to her room, hoping Julie will be out so that she can use the space to meditate before going for a run.

When she sits down on the floor with her back against the wall, she tries to empty her mind but Tobin won’t let her be. Even though she knows she should keep trying, she grabs her phone and opens her texts with Tobin.

_Hey, thanks again for today. And last night. Can we talk after the presentation?_

_sure chris. any time, i mean it. and i meant what i said, i really like you. and im excited for us to talk. tomorrow is gonna be great. have a good afternoon._

Christen feels better knowing that Tobin doesn’t hate her and even though she can’t quite understand why Tobin likes her, she tries to allow herself to be excited for tomorrow.

 

When she wakes up the next morning, it is an entirely different story. Her excitement from the day before has waned and her anxiety is back tenfold. She knows that she doesn’t have a reason to feel so nervous. She knows that both she and Tobin are prepared. She knows that Tobin likes her. She knows that it’s going to be fine. But knowing all of those things doesn’t mean her heart believes them. 

She looks over and sees Julie on her phone. “Hey, Jules?” she asks quietly, not wanting to startle her.

“Huh? Ya, Press?”

“Will you get breakfast with me?”

Julie looks up and sees that Christen looks just as nervous as she did on the first morning of class. “Sure, let’s get dressed, your presentation is today, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Nice! So it’s basically over and then you can just chillax the rest of the week!” Julie exclaims. “Maybe even actually come out with me!”

“Maybe,” Christen responds tentatively, not sure she’ll want to but appreciate her roommate’s offer.

 

As she walks into the classroom a while later, Christen is really glad she had Julie to have breakfast with because the distraction was necessary but when she opens the door and sees a number of her classmates sitting the nervousness rises again and her throat starts to feel tight.

She takes her usual seat and opens her copy of the book, hoping that the familiar words will comfort her. She lets herself get so immersed that she hardly notices when Tobin slides in next to her.

After Dr. Simon’s brief introduction of the reading for the following week, she calls Christen and Tobin to the front of the room to begin and Christen brings the book with her, holding on to it tightly. 

Noticing how tense she is, Tobin leans over and whispers, “Chris, take a deep breath. We’re gonna be great.”

Letting the stress get the best of her, Christen snaps back under her breath, “I know.” She feels guilty when she feels Tobin’s body shift away from her but she can’t quite bring herself to care when the presentation is literally right in front of them.

They get set up and Tobin starts talking, her confidence and cool demeanor filling the room in a way that captivates the class. Christen feels herself starting to calm down as they get into the rhythm of the presentation, taking turns just as they had practiced.

At the end, their classmates ask really insightful questions, most of which Christen is more than prepared to answer. But when a few curve-balls surprise her, Tobin is there to answer and even earns a few laughs along the way. 

As they make their way back to their seats, Dr. Simon commends them for a job well done and lets them know that their grades will be up by the end of the week. 

Christen relaxes into her chair for a few moments before she starts bouncing her leg wondering about her grade as her classmates fill out their evaluation forms. After a few minutes of her bouncing causing the table to shake, she feels Tobin’s hand press her thigh down in an attempt to get it to stop and Christen’s body seizes up.

Tobin holds her breath, worried that Christen might jump out her chair at the contact. But when she stays seated, Tobin takes it as an opportunity to try to make Christen more comfortable and rubs her thumb gently over Christen’s jeans in small circles. Tobin doesn’t move her hand until almost all of their classmates have gone and Christen has moved all of her stuff from their table into her bag.

When she finally does move her hand, she stands up and grabs Christen’s hand pulling her out of her chair. As they move toward the door Tobin debates continuing to hold Christen’s hand but the thought makes her palms feel sweaty so she drops it before it gets awkward.

They walk in surprisingly comfortable silence as they exit the building and turn toward their dorm.  
“How do you feel?” Tobin asks, hoping that their performance will have put Christen at ease and that she’ll have moved on from the tension that was there before they started presenting.

“Better,” Christen shrugs and Tobin isn’t entirely convinced but decides that things will just get worse if they don’t communicate.

“Good, sorry I made it worse before we started but you were great. I’m really proud of us,” she explains.

“Sorry I snapped at you,” Christen admits sheepishly. “I let my nerves get the best of me and you were just trying to help.”

“It’s okay, just don’t make a habit of it,” Tobin laughs. “Wanna come back to my room? I don’t have anything else going on today.”

It takes a lot of effort for Christen not to curse fate in that moment. While she would normally be able to get out of it because she had another class, that professor had emailed them yesterday saying that she had a family emergency and that class was cancelled. Not wanting to lie, Christen decides that she can just tell Julie to call her with an emergency of her own if it gets to be too much. “Okay, yeah, me neither.”

“Cool,” Tobin responds casually, trying not to give away just how excited she is. 

 

Back at their dorm, Tobin opens the door to her room and holds it for Christen in an attempt to be chivalrous. Christen laughs and steps inside. There are posters of soccer players all over the walls and clothes strewn across the floor. Tobin’s desk is covered in art supplies but the chair is stacked with so many t-shirts and hoodies that Christen can’t imagine it’s been sat in once since the semester started.

Tobin notices Christen eyeing the chair and explains, “That’s my chair-drobe, for all my stuff that I’ve worn too much to put back but not enough to put in the laundry. The stuff on the floor is all Pinoe’s, I promise.”

“Sure.” Christen isn’t quite sure she believes Tobin but she’s willing to let it go. 

Tobin invites Christen to sit on her bed and takes out her laptop to pull up Netflix. Realizing how that looks she clarifies, “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. How do you feel about The Office?”

Christen lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding and answers, “The first season is so cringe-y but by the end of season two through season like 6 it’s really good. And then it sucks again after Michael leaves.”  
“Ten points for you!” Tobin replies with unrestrained enthusiasm that takes Christen by surprise.

“What?”

“Points for being right. Like you’re correct about which parts of the show are good. So you get points.”

“Ohhhhhh,” Christen responds, her eyes bright with a smile.

 

Tobin starts the first episode of the third season and they sit there comfortably, shoulders pressed against each other. Tobin occasionally glances over at Christen hoping to catch her eye but every time she looks Christen is very intently looking at the screen.

Halfway through the third episode Christen clears her throat. “Okay.”

This time Tobin is confused. “Okay, what?”

“You can kiss me.”

Taken aback, Tobin asks, “Are you sure?”

“I think so,” Christen answers quietly trying to keep her nerves at bay.

“Then you do it,” Tobin suggests, keeping her word that they won’t do anything Christen isn’t comfortable with.

Tobin looks over at Christen again and sees that her eyes are closed. Then she sees her purse her lips in such an adorable way that she almost starts to laugh. But then Christen is leaning in really, really slowly and Tobin can’t hold it in and a gentle laugh escapes from her lips. 

Christen starts to open her eyes, her cheeks flaring bright red with embarrassment when suddenly there are lips pressed against hers. 

“Sorry,” Tobin breathes against her lips, “you just looked so cute I couldn’t help it.” Then Tobin kisses her again, still trying to be gentle but also reassuring Christen that she wants this.

After a few moments, they fall into a comfortable rhythm and Tobin scoots forward to give herself a better angle when Christen brings her hand up to her face. 

“I think,” Christen says catching her breath, “I think I need us to slow down.”

“Ya, of course,” Tobin says as she moves back to sitting against the wall and reaches over to her computer to go back to the part of the episode they missed. “We can keep watching if you want?”

“That’d be nice,” Christen responds, glad that Tobin isn’t upset with her.

As the episode continues, Christen feels more comfortable again and leans her head on Tobin’s shoulder. Two more episodes later, she starts to feel sleepy and stretches out her legs before laying down and resting her head on Tobin’s lap.

“Is this okay?” she asks, nervous for Tobin’s reply.

“It’s perfect,” Tobin smiles down at Christen and starts to gently run her fingers through Christen’s hair.

_It is_ , Christen thinks, _it really is_.


	5. Today's the Day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I was MIA on this for a while but Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you enjoy! Hmu here or on tumblr (cpress21) if you have thoughts!

Shortly after Christen leaves, Megan crashes back into the room full of energy and is surprised to see Tobin sitting still on her bed. 

“Yo, Tobs, you good?”

“Yeah, man, Chris came over,” Tobin looks up to meet Megan’s eyes, a grin spreading wide across her face.

“Nice! Did you hook up? Was she good? Not gonna lie, she seems kinda uptight from what you’ve said.” 

Megan starts to ramble but Tobin cuts her off, “Hey, she’s great, don’t be a bitch.”

“Sorry, dude! Was just wondering. You guys had a good time though?”

“We did, mostly we watched the Office so it was destined to be good.”

“That’s all? You seem in a pretty good mood just for watching a show you’ve seen a billion times.”

Tobin’s smile turns to a smirk. “I mean, we kissed a little bit.”

“Yes! Get it Tobs,” Megan’s enthusiasm filling the room. “I’m happy for you, are you gonna ask her out?”

“Well, I’m definitely going to try.”

 

Julie is sitting on her bed with her laptop resting on her knees and her headphones in when Christen walks back into their room. She stands just inside the door, bouncing on the balls of her feet, debating whether she should wait for Julie to look up on her own or go get her attention. In the time she spends attempting to make that decision, Julie makes it for her and says, “So,” with a drawn out pause, “you’re glowing. Gonna tell me what happened? Or torture me with waiting?”

“Jules, it was so good,” Christen responds, the excitement in her voice clearly coming through. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Tobin is so sweet,” Christen responds, blushing when she realizes just how smitten she is.

“Tell me everything!”

“Well, we watched the Office and then we kissed and then we watched more and cuddled. And I think she likes me as much as I like her.”

“Chris, I know she does,” Julie says with a laugh. “There’s no way she’d be able to handle your crazy study habits if she didn’t.”

“I guess you’re right, I’m pretty bad, aren’t I?”

“You are, so it’s a good thing you’re pretty,” Julie jokes.

“Oh, shut up,” Christen rolls her eyes.

“I think you should go tell Syd, she’ll kill me if she kinds out I knew for longer than her.”

“Do I have to? She’s just gonna gloat and be so annoying!”

“Yes. Now get to it, she’s gonna be so excited, let her have this.”

“You’re right, you’re right,” Julie looks at her, “I’m going, I’m going.”

 

The next morning at breakfast, Sydney still could not contain herself. She kept looking over at Christen and breaking out into laughter. Ali, on the other hand, was behaving herself and she and Julie were doing their best to keep Sydney in line. Christen felt too good to let it bother her though, so she laughed along with Syd and let her friends carry on a conversation without her. 

Absentmindedly, her eyes track back and forth across the dining hall. She realizes that she’s looking for, or at least hoping to catch a glimpse of, Tobin. She is less surprised by this than she used to be. Tobin has been consuming a lot of her thoughts lately. But thinking about about her feels too good to be bothersome and she momentarily forgets to chastise herself about the potential ramifications of being distracted. 

As they’re getting ready to go, Ali nudges Christen’s shoulder to get her attention. “You look really happy, Press. I’m happy for you.”

“Thanks, Al. I am happy, it feels really good.”

They part ways as Ali heads to class with Julie and Syd follows Chris to the library. “Sorry if my excitement is bothering you,” Sydney offers, “I just really like being right.”

“I know, Syd, me too.”

 

When Tobin gets to class on Wednesday morning, she has two cups of coffee in hand and a smile on her face. Christen is sitting in her seat with her head buried in her planner like it always is and Tobin is grateful that this class she was planning to hate has so pleasantly surprised her. She spends the class trying to pay attention but mostly sneaking glances at Christen out of the corner of her eye, working up the courage to ask her on a date.

As class comes to an end Christen pulls out her phone to a Facebook notification from her sister which she opens to see a video of kids getting puppies for Christmas. Tobin is there, waiting for her like usual, so she starts to gush over the adorable dogs and sweet kids whose excitement about the puppies she rivals. 

They’ve made it almost all the way to her next class when Christen finally looks up to see Tobin looking at her with a dopey grin, “What?” 

“You’re cute when you ramble.” Christen gazes up at Tobin through her eyelashes as a blush spreads across her cheeks.

They stand outside of the building looking at each other. Christen knows she needs to go inside but she can’t help feeling that Tobin is going to say something. So, she waits. The anticipation is building and Chris is starting to get anxious both about what Tobin is thinking and that she might be late for class.

Finally, Tobin reaches out and grabs her hand. With a deep breath, she clears her throat and asks “Chris, will you go on a date with me?”

“Really?” Chris asks, as the anxiousness dissolves into joy.

“Yes, really,” Tobin pleads, hoping for an answer.

Christen takes the rare opportunity to pull Tobin’s leg and responds, “Let me think about it,” with her forefinger tapping her chin.

Tobin, rather shocked, can barely get out a, “Wait, what?” before Christen puts her out of her misery. “I’m pretty sure it’s my turn to ask you out on a date. I mean you have already taken me out for pizza and coffee. So no, I will not go on a date with you. Will you go on one with me?”

Stunned, Tobin’s eyes widen and she takes a second to recover and then pulls Christen into a hug. “I’d love to! You really had me scared for a second there Chris. If you’d said no that would’ve been even more embarrassing than when I fell in front of you and Julie. Now go to class! I’d feel terrible if you were late because of me.”

They both laugh and Christen drags her feet, hesitant to let go of Tobin, “I’m going, I’m going.”

 

Before she knows it, her class is over. Christen looks down to see that she has barely taken any notes and isn’t even totally sure what the lecture was about. Most surprising, is that she also doesn’t really care. She knows that whatever the professor was going on about is not nearly as interesting as Tobin and their upcoming date.

As she gets up to leave, she takes out her phone to text Julie since she was too flustered at the start of class to do so. _So, I have news._

_Excuse me???_  
What sort of news?  
Good news?  
Is it bad?   
What the fuck Press. You can’t leave me hanging like this. I’m gonna call you. 

_Jules, that was too funny._  
Relax  
Good news for sure  
Meet me at home in 10?? 

_You’re lucky I love you_  
Fine  
Better be worth it 

_I promise it is ;)_

Julie gets back to their room just as Chris is putting her stuff down. “Press, you have exactly zero seconds to get talking, my walk back was torture!”

“Well…Tobin and I are going on a date!”

“Like, for real? Tell me everything!”

“She said, ‘Chris, will you go on a date with me,’ and I said I’d think about it because you know she used to stress me out so much so I thought it would be good pay back but then she looked so confused and sad so I said that I wanted to ask her on a date because we’ve already gone out for pizza and coffee that she’s paid for, which you know, are the two foods I like best and she was so cute and surprised and…”

Christen stops all of a sudden and Julie’s face shrinks from glee to concern, “You good, Press?”

“No, Jules, I’m screwed. Now I have to plan a date to take Tobin on, what the fuck am I gonna do?”

“Can you chill out for like 5 minutes and let yourself be happy? We’ll think of something, don’t worry about it. I’m sure Syd will be more than happy to help.”

Letting out the breath she didn’t realize she’d been holding, Christen mumbles, “I guess you’re right.”

“I know I am, now give me a hug! I’m proud of you!”

“Thanks, I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.”

 

Three days and verging on countless freak-outs later, Christen runs her straightener through her hair again even though it’s been as straight as it gets for the past twenty minutes. Syd is sitting on the counter watching her while Ali and Julie pull out different outfit options. Christen has exactly two hours until she’s supposed to meet Tobin in the lobby of the dorm and she isn’t sure if she’ll still be able to breathe by then. 

Sydney’s foot kicks against her knee, “Dude, you’ve already gone on at least two dates. And made out. For the love of God, please tell me you’re not nervous about whether or not she likes you.”

Christen looks up trying to show that she knows she’s being ridiculous and just can’t help it. “I mean, I know she likes me now, but like, what if I picked a terrible date and it ruins everything.”

“Okay, since we both know you’re being illogical, I’ll be nice. The only thing that could possible ruin tonight is you not enjoying yourself. Tobin will have a good time because she’ll be spending time with you. Which, for some reason, is something she actually wants to do. So let yourself have this, you’re so close to actually loosening up. I’m not sure why, but I believe in you so the least you could do is believe in yourself since you know I love being right.”

Christen sets the straightener down to look at Syd, “I really appreciate it Syd but you know it’s not that simple, right? Like you said, we both know I’m being illogical but it’s not like I can turn my brain off. I really wish I could but I can’t. I’m anxious, I worry, that just who I am and I know it’s annoying which just makes it worse.” She looks down as her eyes brim with tears.

Julie pokes her head in to the bath room, sensing that the conversation took a deeper turn than Syd was prepared for, “Hey, hey, it’s not annoying, we just want you to be happy. If that means I have to constantly badger you with compliments, then I’m more than happy to do that.”

“Thanks guys, I’m lucky to have you. Thanks for putting up with me.” Christen gets up and give Julie a hug, “What did you and Ali decide I’m wearing?”

Julie pulls her back into the room and shoves her some hangers with a fitted shirt from Ali’s closet, a cardigan from Christen’s and Sydney’s tightest pair of jeans. Christen pulls on the outfit and twirls around, her friends clapping happily and gushing over her. Then Ali and Syd pull her back into the bathroom to do her makeup. Julie puts on music and dances around behind them so they all see her being silly in the mirror. 

Before they know it, it’s time to go downstairs. With one foot out the door, Christen turns back to her friends for one last reassurance and they look her over. “You look great, she’s gonna love it,” Julie reminds her as Syd enthusiastically yells, “Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” before lovingly shoving her out the door.

 

Tobin, perhaps for the first time in her life was more than one minute early for something. She had been sitting and bouncing her leg in the lobby of the dorm for the past twenty minutes, too jittery to pay attention to anything on her phone. Megan had helped her get ready but since neither of them knew the plan, there wasn’t much they could do to prepare. When Tobin got tired of pacing around their room, she came downstairs and had been trying (and failing) to pass the time ever since. 

Now, when she looks up to see Christen standing in front of her, her breath catches in her throat and she’s glad she’s sitting down. She takes a second to collect herself and then gets up to make her way over to her. “Wow, you look beautiful,” she breaths out hoping that Christen catches her sincerity. Christen’s cheeks blush a deep red which Tobin finds incredibly charming so she leans in to plant a gently kiss on her cheek and then takes her hand and leads her toward the door. Finally regaining her casual demeanor, she asks, “So, where are we off to, boss?”

Christen is distracted by Tobin’s hand holding hers and it takes her more than a few seconds to realize that Tobin asked her something. “What? Oh, where are we going? The subway.”

“Seriously, that’s all I get?”

Reminding herself of everything her friends had been telling her for the past few hours, she takes a chance and looks at Tobin with pleading eyes, “Don’t you trust me that it’ll be worth it?”

“Of course I do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t wanna know,” Tobin responds as she swings their hands between them.

“I guess that’s fair. If you don’t like it, then I’ll tell you the next one ahead of time.” After a short pause, she starts to backtrack, “wait that’s dumb. If you don’t like this date, you wouldn’t go on another one with me. Maybe I should tell…”

“Chris, look at me,” Tobin moves them over to the edge of the sidewalk and waits until Christen’s gaze meets hers. “I promise, I will always want to go on another date with you. And no matter what you planned, I know I’m gonna love it and we’re gonna have fun. Sorry for stressing you out.”

Christen does her best to take Tobin at her word and leans into Tobin’s shoulder. Tobin wraps her arm around Christen and leads her back toward the train. “Will you at least tell me if we’re going uptown or downtown?” Tobin says with a laugh.

“Downtown, like super downtown.”

Tobin leans over to whisper in her ear, “Sounds good to me, I hope the train is crowded so I have an excuse to hold you.”

Christen shivers in response to Tobin’s breath on her ear, “I mean, if you’re cold that’s a good enough excuse for me,” Tobin adds with a wink.

 

Forty minutes and a good deal of crowded train snuggling later, Christen leads Tobin into the Whitney and pulls the tickets up on her phone. “Is this okay? Have you been here a million times?”

“Chris, it’s perfect. I’ve only been once and it was years ago, I swear I’ve been meaning to come back.”

“Really?”

“Really, really,” Tobin says with a smile.

“Good. Well, it’s only 1:10 and our tickets aren’t until 1:30, are you okay poking around the shop or do you wanna go somewhere else or?”

“Gift shop’s fine, I’m definitely gonna need to buy something to remember this by so taking a look at what they have couldn’t hurt,” and she pulls Christen in that direction.

Tobin flirts with Christen shamelessly the whole time they’re in the shop, never once letting go of her hand no matter how long Christen stares at one little thing on a shelf and Christen has no choice but to relax into Tobin’s inviting warmth. She stops having to work as hard to quite the voice in her head telling her that Tobin doesn’t want to be there because of how often Tobin reaffirms her excitement out loud. 

When it’s finally time for them to head into the museum, Christen almost starts to feel like they’re a real couple, not two college kids on their first official date and she lets herself lean in to the excitement. 

Very quickly, they come to realize that they do museums completely differently. Tobin is more interested in the design. She constantly looks around to see how the other people take in the art and how the space and the art interact. Christen focuses on the art with an intense concentration trying to understand exactly what she thinks the artist would have wanted her to.

By the third piece Christen is looking at, Tobin starts to get antsy so she gives up and decides since this date is for Tobin that they can do it her way. 

 

Almost two hours later, Christen tugs at Tobin’s arm, “Tobin, I’m tired, can we please sit for a sec?”

“Yeah, sure, babe. There’s a bench right there.”

“I changed my mind.”

“What? About being tired?” Tobin looks at her confused.

“No. About not liking it when you call me babe. I like it now. You should do it again.”

Relief spreads across Tobin’s features as she realizes what Christen is talking about, “Oh, I didn’t even notice, but I’m happy to be at your service, _babe_.”

Christen sits on the bench pulling Tobin with her and gives her a kiss on the cheek. “Do you wanna stay for a while longer or how would you feel about grabbing a snack from Chelsea Market and then taking a walk on the High Line? I know it’s so typical tourist but it’s nice out and I know you like food and outside and…”

Tobin cuts her off again and puts her hand on Christen’s thigh, “Babe, like I said, as long as I’m with you, I’m good. And like you said, I like food and being outside. So trust yourself, you’re doing great. But, we do have to go back to the gift shop first!”

Back at the gift shop, Tobin waits until Christen’s nose is buried in a book before she sneaks away to buy postcards of the pieces Christen had liked best. She pays quickly and stuff them in her pocket before heading back over to Christen and resting her head on her shoulder. “I’m ready to go when you are, babe.”

 

Armed with an assortment of little doughnuts and fresh coffee, they walk along the park and enjoying the view. They find a bench and Christen reaches in the bag to grab a doughnut and pops it all in her mouth at once. Tobin can’t help but smile at how adorable she looks with her cheeks full of dough and sugar dusting her lips. “Hey Chris, can I take a picture of you?”

A bit confused, Christen nods and rushes to swallow but Tobin catches her before she can and the candid photo makes both of them laugh.

Once full, and reenergized from both the sugar and caffeine, they continue their walk hand in hand. Christen thinks back to just a few weeks ago when she and Tobin were on their way to pizza and how badly she had wanted to hold her hand then. The fact that she got to do so without worrying now made her heart flutter in her chest and a smile spread across her face.

“Whatchya thinking bout buttercup?” Tobin asks, noticing her expression.

“You,” she answers honestly.

“Good, ‘cause you’re on my mind too.”


	6. A Wrong Turn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Anxiety TW for this and next chapter, more so than before. Sorry that it's been actually a million years since the last update but fingers crossed that the next (aka last) chapter will come more easily. I hope you like it, let me know what you think!

Things were going really well. A little too well, maybe. And Christen was starting to get nervous again about how comfortable Tobin made her feel. They’d been on a bunch more dates that usually ended in make-out sessions on Tobin’s bed or pressed against Christen’s door but they hadn’t gone farther than that. And as much as Tobin reassured her that whatever pace she wanted was the pace they’d go, Christen was having trouble reigning in her thoughts when they spiraled out of control. 

Usually, it starts off harmless with her just thinking about Tobin or things they’ve done together. _Tobin is so hot._ Then the self-doubt settles in and she starts questioning everything that’s happened over the past few months for no good reason. _Why does she even like me? I’m so awkward and I won’t even let us have sex._ She knows that she’s not supposed to indulge her anxiety by letting herself think that way so she tries to turn it around. _Stop it, Christen. You know she likes you._ But the reassurances only go so far before the cycle starts again. _She’s gonna find someone else when she realizes I’m crazy. God, I’m talking to myself. Breathe. Fuck._

This time, she’s so absorbed in her anxiety, pacing around the room and muttering under her breath, that when Julie gets back she doesn’t even notice. 

Julie steps in behind her and stops just before Christen turns around. Her eyes wide and her heart thumping wildly in her chest, the shock of Julie’s presence is enough to get Christen out of her head.

“What’s wrong? Did something happen? Are you okay?” Julie asks, trying to be stern enough that Christen will answer her honestly but soft enough that she doesn’t scare her away.

“Just me being crazy. You know how I get,” Christen lowers her head in shame, her eyes glued to the floor.

“Well, you know how I get. Over-protective or whatever,” Julie says with a shrug. “So, how can I make it better? Can I give you a hug or something?”

Christen doesn’t answer but she shuffles forward just enough that Julie knows she’s conceding and opens her arms out wide waiting for Christen to fall into them.

A few minutes later, when Christen’s breathing as returned to normal and Julie has managed to pull a couple of laughs out of her, she decides to try again. “I know you might not want to hear this, but did something happen with Tobin? You haven’t been, like, that worked up since you were planning that first date you took her on.”

Christen looks down again and mumbles, “No, nothing happened with Tobin. But I think that’s the problem,” she admits. The look Julie gives her is so puzzled that she almost laughs.

Rolling her eyes, Julie calls her out, “Chris, I’m gonna need more than that, c’mon.”

“It’s just that it’s almost Thanksgiving which means finals are coming up and I’m nervous about balancing everything but we’re like not even official and I’m worried that if I tell her about my anxiety that she’ll think I’m being clingy and not want to hang out anymore. She’s just so casual. I wish I knew what she was thinking, Jules.”

“Honestly, that’s fair, but I think you should give yourself a little more credit. You should talk to her. Or just ask her if you can define your relationship before the break? Then talk to her when you get back?”

Christen knows Julie is right, that’s what she should do. And she wishes that knowing that was enough to make her actually do it. Instead, she starts avoiding Tobin. She takes longer to answer her messages, rushes out of class, and ends their less frequent dates short citing homework or needing to talk to her mom.

At first, Tobin tries to give Christen space, thinking that maybe it’ll help. She doesn’t want to be overbearing or seem controlling, so she waits for Christen to figure it out and come to her. Unfortunately for both of them, this just makes it easier for Christen to pull away and fuels Christen’s doubts that Tobin isn’t invested. 

At a loss for what to do, Tobin tries talking to Pinoe one evening on their way back from soccer. It quickly becomes clear that she is much better at joking around than giving serious advice and they both end up frustrated to the point that Tobin is about ready to give up. 

 

The Monday before their Thanksgiving break, Tobin decides that she’ll walk Christen to her next class no matter what so that they can start talking again or at least make a plan to do so later. For old time’s sake, Tobin slips her a note reading _hey chris I’d love to walk you to your next class so we can make plans for after break, I miss you :)_ but Christen never acknowledges it. When Dr. Simon dismisses them, Tobin reaches for Christen’s elbow in the hopes that she can get her to wait but the look of panic in her eyes is so startling that Tobin lets go and Christen leaves without her once again.

As Tobin makes her way back to her dorm, the disappointment takes root. She starts to wonder if perhaps she’s done something to hurt Christen without realizing it. She thinks back over the past couple of months. The whole month of October things were fine and Christen seemed happy. She can’t think of anything from Halloweekend, or before, that might be an issue but she’s sure that things have gotten progressively worse throughout November.

 

When Tobin heads home on Tuesday morning, she spends the entirety of the hour and a half long train ride trying, once again, to recall anything she could have done to hurt Christen. When she sees her mom leaning up against the car at the station to pick her up, she decides to put her concerns in the back of her mind and do her best to enjoy the break and time with her family. 

Even though they can be a lot sometimes, she’s glad to have 5 full days at home with her whole family and knows that the chaos of everyone trying to catch up on each other’s lives will serve as a pretty good distraction.

As soon as she steps through the door, Katie and Perry are trying to pull her in one direction and Jeff in the other. Just as she suspected, she’s busy as a bee helping her mother cook, her brother do yard work, and her sisters plan for Black Friday shopping. 

Though it is easier said than done, each time she catches herself thinking about Christen, she makes herself focus on something else. The only time the whole weekend she indulges herself is during the time her family takes to pray before they eat on Thursday afternoon. 

 

Tobin gets back to school on Sunday afternoon and finds herself unable to concentrate. She tries working on homework and drawing for fun and even Netflix but she is still caught up on seeing Christen in class in the morning, so she decides to head to the gym. She grinds her frustration at the uncertainty out with deadlifts and sprints that force her to focus. 

After sweating out what feels like half her body weight, she throws her towel over her head and trudges back to the locker room. 

“Tobin?!?” She looks up and sees Julie standing there, eyes wide. “I haven’t seen you in forever, how are things?”

Weighing the situation carefully, it dawns on Tobin that perhaps Julie has some insight into what’s going on with Christen.

“Hey, um, okay I guess. Have you talked to Christen lately?”

“Obviously, we’re roommates, what kind of question is that? Have you talked to Christen lately?”

“No.”

Julie gives her a truly puzzled look. “What? Oh. Ohhh, what happened?”

“Julie, you have to believe me. I have literally no idea. Like I can’t think of anything I could have done and every time I try to talk to her she runs off like I murdered her dog or something.”

“Jeez, she didn’t tell me it was that bad. I mean, I’m not sure I should be telling you this but I caught her freaking out over not knowing where you guys stood. She seems to think that you’re not interested in actually being with her or something. But since then, she just keeps saying you guys are fine.”

As Tobin absorbs what Julie is telling her, it dawns on her that there may have been a massive miscommunication. “Fuck,” she groans, pushing her sweaty hair back off her face. “I didn’t want to bother her by hovering when she seemed anxious but giving her space probably just made it seem like I didn’t care. What should I do?”

Julie thinks for a moment before offering, “I can try to talk to her tonight if you want? And you can decide what to do from there?”

“That would be great, thank you so much,” Tobin says a with a sigh of relief. 

 

When Julie gets back to her room, she sees Christen, who had gotten back early that morning after a red-eye flight, in bed asleep, or at least pretending to be. She showers and gets ready for dinner thinking about the best way to bring Tobin up without freaking Christen out.

By the time Julie comes out of the bathroom, Christen has slipped out of her room. Julie notices that the yoga matt that always rests against Christen’s desk isn’t there so she decides to go against her own advice and text Tobin

_Chris went to go do yoga before I could talk to her, maybe you should try to find her?_

_thanks julie, i’ll give it a shot_

 

It takes Tobin almost 30 minutes to find Christen, eventually realizing that she must have intentionally avoided her usual spots by the dog park and the water fall.

She stumbles across her on a lawn a bit further south in Morningside Park than they typically go. She’s sitting cross-legged on her mat, clearly in the midst of meditation. Tobin sits down on the grass across from her, about a yard away.

When Christen finally opens her eyes, Tobin has ripped up most of the grass in her immediate proximity.

It takes Christen a moment to remember that she’s supposed to be avoiding Tobin, but as soon as she remembers, her body language changes in a way that makes Tobin really sad.

Tobin takes a deep breath to settle herself before she begins, “Chris, I’m sorry to sneak up on you like this but we really, really need to talk. Can you give me, like, ten minutes? Please?”

Christen’s eyes roam around the park, avoiding looking in Tobin’s direction. She seems almost guilty. And, when she doesn’t say anything, Tobin takes it as an opportunity to continue. 

“I want to start by apologizing. I’m sorry if something I did made you uncomfortable or if I did something to hur...” but before she can finish her sentence she’s interrupted by the sound Christen beginning to sob. 

Christen buries her face in her hands as her shoulders heave and Tobin can tell that she must have been holding her feelings in for a while. She crawls over to her and rubs her back gently. Despite her own uncertainties, she whispers over and over again, “It’s okay, Chris, it’s okay. I promise, whatever it is, it’ll be okay.”

Eventually, Christen’s breathing evens out a little bit and Tobin scoots back to give her some space. They sit quietly as Christen hiccups and wipes the tears off her cheeks. 

Christen thinks that it’s impossible to feel any more embarrassed than she already does so she might as well take the opportunity to explain herself. But as soon as she starts to speak, the tears rushing come back, “I, I ju-just like you-ou so-o much and as-as much as I try, I-I j-just don’t understand w-what you could possibly like about m-me?”

Tobin is taken aback by Christen’s admission, having assumed that the root of the issue was something much worse. 

“Christen, will you look at me? Please?” She waits until Christen turns her head before she continues, “there are so, so many things I like about you. I like how much you love your family and your dogs. I like how much effort you put into your school work. And how you’re such a good friend. I like spending time with you, and getting to make you laugh. I like how you blush when I tell you you’re pretty and how you always make me feel better when I embarrass myself in front of you. 

“I really like you Christen. And I think we need to have a conversation about our relationship. But I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to do anything that might make your anxiety worse and then I feel stuck.”

Christen still looks embarrassed but she’s at least maintaining eye contact so Tobin offers, “can we maybe go get some ice cream and just chill for a minute? Then we can have this talk when we feel a little better?”

 

Tobin makes an exception to her usual anti-overpriced chain policy to take Christen to Haagen-Dazs because she knows it’s her favorite. 

As they make their way down 114th Street, Christen is reminded of the time Tobin took her to pizza months ago. She remembers how much she envied Tobin’s confidence and how she was so conscious of their hands swinging next to each other. Though she knows she made a mistake in avoiding Tobin and that it wasn’t fair to either of them, Christen offers her hand to Tobin as a sort of olive branch. 

She stares down at the sidewalk away from Tobin counting the seconds. When she finally feels Tobin’s hand in hers, relief washes over her. Tobin gives her a quick squeeze and then starts swinging their hands between them. 

Though the late November air is cold against her face, winter clearly well on its way, Christen feels warm. Tobin doesn’t hate her. They’re going to get ice cream. She is allowed to be happy. Maybe this time she’ll actually believe it.


	7. Brick by Brick

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Christen finally gets the help she needs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for coming on this journey with me! This story will always have a special place in my heart. It's hard to believe that it has come to an end.
> 
> Major anxiety tw for this chapter. To avoid, skip to the bolded text at the very end.
> 
> I hope you all enjoy!

Christen is nervous. The kind that starts in the pit of her stomach and grows really slowly until she can’t think about anything else.

Christen is anxious. It’s a tightness in her chest that makes her feel like she can’t quite catch her breath.

But that’s normal, at least for her. And she desperately wishes it wasn’t.

She knows that Tobin is going to want to talk, hence the nerves and the anxiety. But it’s 6:30 in the morning and she just wants another hour or two of sleep before she needs to get up for class.

After almost 40 minutes of tossing and turning, she finally throws the covers off and pads into the bathroom where she’s startled by Sydney’s presence.

“G’morning, Pressy!”

Christen really doesn’t understand how Sydney can be so cool and enthusiastic at the same time. Caught in her envy, she forgets to answer.

“Hello? What crawled up your ass-hole? Can’t even get a ‘good morning’? Because I definitely haven’t done anything worthy of the silent treatment, _yet_ ,” Syd teases her.

“Oh, sorry, um, yeah, hi, good morning.”

Sydney just rolls her eyes at Christen, used to her usual early-morning spaciness and not paying close enough attention to realize that anything is off.

Christen breathes a sigh of relief as Syd prances out of the bathroom, consumed by her strenuous morning routine, leaving her to finish up in peace. Well, maybe not peace, but solitude, at least.

As she steps back into her room to wake Julie up for breakfast, a feeling of intense deja-vu washes over her. Though this time, her nerves stem from knowing what’s to come as opposed to the fear of the unknown that consumed her thoughts in August.

 

Christen tries desperately to pay attention as Dr. Simon describes their final paper in detail. It is meant to be an amalgamation of the three papers they’ve already written with two additional sections. She writes down everything she hears her say but the concentration only lasts a few moments before she’s starring at Tobin thinking about the conversation that she knows is happening as soon as Dr. Simon lets them go.

Tobin, knowing that she isn’t going to start to even think about the assignment until the reading period begins, lets her thoughts wonder while twirling her pen around her fingers. With spring blooming outside the window, she daydreams of sitting in the courtyard drawing and starts doodling the scene on the cover of her notebook – not even having bothered to open it.

It’s almost as if the nerves drain out of Tobin and flow into Christen and she manages to be more strung up at the end of the hour and fifteen-minute class than she’s been in weeks.

 

Once again, Christen is sent to grab a table while Tobin gets their drinks. Christen takes to organizing the sugar packets in the little cup on the table because she’s worried she might break her fingers if she wrings them anymore.

Tobin puts the coffee down on the table, careful not to spill, and they both take deep breaths to steel themselves for what they anticipate is going to be really hard.

Then, all of a sudden, as if the dam breaks, they’re both rushing to get everything of their chests and can’t hear a word the other is saying.

Tobin realizes first. She stops talking and puts her hand up to get Christen’s attention. It takes a few moments for Christen to slow down enough to realize but eventually Tobin starts to speak.

“Christen, I think it’s really important that we listen to each other carefully and then respond. I want you to go first and be as honest as possible about what happened. I’m not gonna judge you. I just really want to be able to be there for you.”

Christen looks into Tobin’s eyes and can see how desperately she means it. She feels like she’s standing on a precipice but knows that if she doesn’t take this leap of faith, her chances of repairing their relationship are almost non-existent.

The weight of what she’s about to admit finally sinks in and it feels like there’s a boulder sitting in her throat, blocking the words.

Tobin puts her hand, palm facing up, on the table, in a show of support. Christen reaches out and Tobin’s thumb runs gently back and forth until they’re both lulled into a bit of a daze.

“Christen, please. I need to know what you’re thinking. I really need to know.”

Tobin is practically begging and her need to please finally outweighs her embarrassment so the words come spilling out.

“I, I think what I’m struggling with. Or, I mean, what I know the problem is, is that I still don’t understand how you could like me even close to as much as I like you. And I know that’s unfair. And illogical. But my brain just won’t believe my heart. And I don’t know what to do. And when I started avoiding you, you didn’t even try to see me so my brain convinced me that it was because you didn’t care. Even though I know that isn’t true. And then I got so embarrassed because what if I was misreading the situation the whole time. I like you so much that it scares me. And we aren’t even together yet. Or official, I guess. I’m really sorry. I’m such a coward.”

By the time Christen is done speaking, she is red in the face and totally out of breath and Tobin looks more bewildered than either of them thought was possible.

Tobin gives herself a moment to formulate her thoughts by chugging the rest of her drink, iced coffee with a lid to ensure she wouldn’t spill.

Waiting until Christen meets her gaze, Tobin gives Christen’s hand a quick squeeze before she finally begins to respond.

“Okay, I have three things I want to say. First, thank you for being honest. It means so much to me and I really, really appreciate it, Chris. Second, I know you know this but I really, really like you and I do want to be with you.

“Which brings me to the third thing. If I’m honest, which I’m going to be because I know that you were, I think you need to get help – like see someone – about your anxiety. I don’t think it’d be fair to either of us to try and be in a relationship until you and your brain can be on the same page. Does that make sense?”

Christen nods, overwhelmed by the mixture of excitement that Tobin wants her, even if she is _crazy_ and fear at having to face the reality of what Tobin said.

“I’m serious Christen. If you promise me that you’ll see someone, I’ll even walk you to the counseling center if that would help, then I’m willing to give us a shot.”

“Okay.”

Christen agrees so quietly that Tobin isn’t sure she heard right.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay, I’ll see someone.”

Tobin lets out a massive sigh of relief.

“Thank you, Chris. You don’t know how happy that makes me. I care about you so much. And I just want you to be happy.”

 

Despite Tobin’s generous offer, Christen knows this is something she needs to do herself. Tobin sat with her while she scheduled the appointment online, the first weekend they were back from winter break, but she makes the trek to the counseling center alone.

When she gets there, the receptionist has her sit at a computer to enter her health history and give a brief description of her reason for visiting so that they can match her with the appropriate counselor.

As she clicks through the questions, she tries to be as truthful as possible. Some of her answers surprise her, and if she’s honest, some of them scare her.

When she finally gets to the end of the questionnaire, she’s both relieved and exhausted and can’t imagine how exactly she’ll be able to get through the actual appointment.

The receptionist sends her to sit in the waiting room and she occupies herself by scrolling through Instagram until she’s looking at posts she’s already seen. Then, she turns to games on her phone but she can’t concentrate enough for them to be an effective distraction.

After about 20 minutes, which feels to her like so much longer, she hears her name called.

“Press, Christen?”

She sees a tall, thin, young man with a packet of paper in his hand who she can’t quite believe is old enough to have a job. But he looks professional and gives her a kind smile, so she gets up from the chair and follows him back to his office.

“Hi Christen, it’s really nice to meet you. I’m Andrew. Feel free to take a seat wherever you’ll feel most comfortable.”

She sits down on the edge of the couch closer the door and takes one of the decorative pillows to hold in her lap. She can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable but at least she can channel her nervous energy into picking at the pillow seams.

Andrew lets her take her time, doesn’t rush her or force her into anything. But when she doesn’t offer anything after a few minutes of sitting in silence he asks, “Can you tell me a little bit about yourself?”

Christen takes a deep breath and looks up at him through her eyelashes, not ready to face him, or the situation, completely.

She tells him all the things that are typical of ice breakers. She starts to talk about her dogs back home and gets carried away, opening up her phone to show him pictures.

After he makes a show of cooing over the puppies, he clears his throat showing that it’s time to get down to business.

“Christen, I really appreciate you opening up to me a little bit. Do you think you might be able to tell me a bit about why you’re here?”

This is the moment Christen was dreading. She knows that it’s only worth being here if she’s honest but she’s gotten so used to swallowing her anxiety that the thought of actually sharing it with him is so overwhelming that she thinks she really might throw up

He senses that she’s growing overwhelmed so he offers her a follow-up question that’s a little but more concrete.

“How about you talk about what you were doing when you made the appointment. Just tell me a bit about that day.”

_Okay. I can do that_ , she thinks. “Well, I was sitting in my room, with Tobin. We were going to watch a movie and when I opened up my computer she saw the tab for the counseling center. She clicked on it and asked me if I had made an appointment yet and when I told her I hadn’t she asked if we could do it together. I didn’t really feel like I could say no, so we made the appointment and then we watched Finding Nemo and I just sorta tried to let it go.

He makes a couple of notes before looking up and asking, “So, you’re only here because of Tobin? Can you tell me a little bit more about who she is?”

Christen pauses, trying to figure out how to describe the situation. She wants to make it clear how important to Tobin is to her and be honest that she’s here for her but also because she knows she needs to be.

She must have taken to long because her thoughts are interrupted when she hears him try to get her attention.

“Christen, can you tell me about Tobin?”

“Sorry, umm, yeah. I met her in my freshman seminar and we had to do a project together. And, umm, we’re dating now – I think?”

“What do you mean, you think?”

“I mean; I guess I know we’re dating. We go on lots of dates. And I really like her but I kinda messed up.”

“How did you mess up?”

Christen tries to take a deep breath. This is the hard part. The part that really scares her. Admitting that she doesn’t have control when control is all she really wants.

It takes Christen a while to start answering the question but once she does it’s as though the dam has broken.

“I – I messed up because instead of just asking her about our relationship, I let me anxiety get the better of me and avoided her. And I made both of us miserable. And instead of doing anything to fix it, I felt sorry for myself. And lied to my friends. And I just want this feeling to go away. It’s like it’s choking me. I can’t ever stop thinking about it. Even when I try to do what I’m supposed to, it never works!”

Andrew gives her a minute to calm down before he responds.

“Christen, I’m so glad that you were able to open up and share what you’ve been feeling with me. I know that isn’t easy and you should be proud of yourself. Would it be okay with you if we start to unpack some of what you said?”

Christen nods, knowing that if she’s already made it this far she might as well keep going.

First, Andrew asks Christen to explain what she means by her anxiety. She tells him that she’s always been nervous but that it got worse when she got to middle school. Her mom and her teachers always said that it was because she was anxious and she just accepted that that’s the way her life was going to have to be.

It wasn’t until she found tumblr in high school that she realized mental health was something to take seriously but she didn’t know how to ask for help. And now, she realizes that she shouldn’t have waited so long and she feels guilty.

Andrew reassures her that it’s okay that she feels guilty but that she doesn’t have to and that she’s doing the right thing by getting help now, which is what’s most important.

Then, he asks the question that she’s has been dreading the whole time.

“Christen, would it be okay with you if I referred you to a psychiatrist? I think you might benefit from being evaluated for some anti-anxiety medication. That doesn’t mean it’s what’s going to happen. I just think it could be a good place to start. I’d also like to refer you to a psychologist so that you can continue talk therapy because meds alone are rarely the solution. Would you be open to that?”

Christen is digging her finger nails into her palm, trying her best not to cry. It doesn’t quite work though because she hears her voice break as she says, “I just want to not be broken,” and the tears start flowing down her cheeks.

She keeps wiping at her eyes hoping to make it stop but the tears just keep coming. Andrew gets up from his seat across from her to grab a tissue from his desk.

He hands it to her and puts a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“You aren’t broken, Christen. You are so, so strong. And you are asking for help, working to be better. And that’s all anyone can ask of you. All you can ask of yourself.”

He sits back down and gives her a minute to wipe her face.

“So, can I make those referrals?”

Christen nods, a little bit embarrassed.

“Okay, you’ll get an email from me within the hour. And then, making the appointments is up to you. Would it be alright if I email you to check in in a few days?”

Christen nods again before looking up at him.

He smiles and then reminds her, “You have to check the secured inbox on the health center website, okay? I’ll be able to see if you’ve opened it or not. I won’t email you again, unless you respond. But I just wanted you to know.”

He gets up and walks over to the door.

“I’m glad you came in today, Christen. Best of luck with everything.”

“Thanks, Andrew,” she offers as she heads out the door, in serious need of a nap.

She trudges back to the dorms, truly exhausted but manages to type out a quick text:

_I’m on my way to the dorm.  
_

_so proud of you_

_do you want company_

Tears fill Christen’s eyes again because she knows she wants Tobin so badly but doesn’t understand why she can’t just tell her that.

She starts to type out her response a few times but none of them feel right. Just as she’s about to give up and put her phone away she gets another text. 

_if you want you can say no_

_but i’d really like to come give you a hug_

Another wave of tears hits Christen and her heart melts. Tobin always seems to know exactly what she needs.

_I would love that. See you soon._

Christen finally makes it home and is surprised to find that her door is open and Tobin is sitting on her bed.

“Where’s Julie?”

“Oh, so now I don’t even get a hello?”

Tobin hops off the bed and quickly wraps her arms around Christen’s waist.

Christen buries her head in the crook of Tobin’s neck and says with all the energy she has left, “Hi Tobin, where’s Julie?”

“She went to Zach’s for dinner. To give us some space.”

The tears come back once again, a mixture of feeling grateful for having Tobin and Julie and the exhaustion of her day.

“It’s okay, Chris. It’s okay.” Tobin rubs her back soothingly, a reminder of the day, not too long ago, when Tobin found her in the park.

Christen pushes herself one last time, figuring she’s already done so much that one more thing couldn’t hurt, and finally asks for what she wants.

She turns her head to look up at Tobin, who is gazing down at her.

“I really need a nap. Will you stay?”

“Of course,” Tobin reassures her and flips the covers back on the bed, inviting Christen to climb in first. “You know I’m always down for a nap.”

 

**May, four months later:**

“Hey, babe? Dinner tonight?” Tobin shouts from the bathroom where she’s washing her hair in the sink, too lazy to shower she tells Christen who insists that showering in the shower would be way less work.

Christen roles her eyes affectionately, “I’m on that student health panel tonight. I’ve told you like six times.”

Tobin takes a moment to respond, probably because her head is in the sink.

“Maybe I just keep forgetting on purpose so I don’t have to remember that I’m supposed to be without you on our date night? Did you ever think of that?”

 

By the middle of February, Christen had found a therapist who was a a good fit and had been seeing her regularly ever since. Not long after, she found a psychiatrist who made her feel comfortable and had spent the past few months adjusting to her new meds.

Though there was still a long way to go, she was definitely feeling much better.

She worked hard to communicate honestly with Tobin. She did her best to express not only what she needed but also what she wanted and Tobin did the same.

Tobin had taken Christen out for Valentine’s Day, and as a celebration of the start of her therapy journey, to their pizza place, as Tobin had dubbed it. And the following week, she took Christen back and asked her to be her girlfriend.

Since then, they’ve made Sunday night their official date night with an unofficial standing dinner date on Wednesdays too.

 

“You can come; you know? To the panel. And we can get food after?” Christen offers, hoping to make Tobin, and herself, feel better.

“if you want me too, I can. But it’s your thing and I don’t want to take away from that.”

Christen takes a deep breath, knowing that each time she does this it will get a little bit easier.

“Tobin, I want you to come. Please? I’ll feel better knowing that you’re there.”

“Of course, babe. I’m proud of you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading! If you'd like, I'd love to hear what you think either in the comments or at what-a-gust.tumblr.com!


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